It's hard to type with this big ol' ring

So... sad but true..

I am a hopeless romantic kind of girl who likes to reflect on horrible relationships and try to figure out where I went wrong. How about I start figuring out why I didn't see it go wrong to begin with and not just blame myself. All I want in life is to be in love. I have never wanted the cookie cutter way of living, I know that it is not one for me, but here I am wanting something that is a huge piece of that cookie cutter way. It shouldn't be this difficult but I find myself falling for people that I barely know and then finding out stuff that causes me to be saddened and frankly defeate. I try to go out and meet people but those people only want one thing.. something that I do not want to give to them on the spot. I'm a lady, not a whore.

I was talking a friend of mine one day, and we discussed that I should try something different. I rambled off so many "different" ways of my going about and still find myself with the same crew. I have done the teacher(not one of mine), the divorced, the dating site, the church goer, the co-worker, the bar, the separated, the classmate, the boss, the friend... the list goes on. All in all the ending is all the same. Why can't I find somebody who wants to be with me and only me. Somebody who finds me attractive because I find them attractive, somebody that I can be myself around with or without makeup, somebody that can make me laugh and hopefully I can do that in return, somebody who can have deep meaningful conversations with and heated debates with, somebody who wants everything I want and is not afraid to tell me, somebody who is honest and sincere, who has great taste in music and art and has their own style. I have yet to find anybody that is willing to give me a chance, but plenty of them who want the same thing but are stuck struggling with the past. I understand the struggle, fuck I feel like I invented that struggle. My mind can't even focus on work or school.. which is completely sad because I feel like a whirlwind of emotions when my mind goes to these thoughts. I am a good person, I feel i am remotely attractive and have some stellar taste in many things. I have a great personality and know what I want in life and I do not force people to change for me because that is some real bullshit when people feel that they can do that. Be yourself and let me be myself and we can be happy together.

Stupid ass love songs are playing in the background right now too...spring is for fresh beginnings... can something fresh come my way anytime in the near future? I sure do hope so. I have my eye on a couple of people, but one in particular... but let that record spin over and over because I am sure nothing will happen the way i want it to. Grr... spoil me!

Sorry for the upset of the reading... I am sure that I am the only one reading my blog thus far haha! I dont mind though, it's a great escape from the torture in my head.

Sadly...what comes to mind when things don't work out... I am not pretty enough or thin enough.. there is some sort of eating disorder waiting for me out there... and i think i found it :(