Ahhh, she is peacefully asleep and Austin is in the other room trying to get some rest before she awakes in a while. It's times like these that most mom's long for, however I go back and forth. I am glad that people are resting, but this silence is kind of haunting. For weeks I yearned for being on maternity leave because I needed a break. Being on leave so far hasn't been a break, but a different atmosphere. I didn't think that this break would make me feel the way I am feeling. I have my ups and downs, expected considering my body went from 0 to 60 and then back down to 0 in one day.
I am learning new obstacles, new challenges that I never thought I would have to deal with being a mother. Mainly because I never thought I was going to be a mother. Body image, however has been an issue that I have dealt with since I was in second grade. After giving birth, I had a new found glory for my body. I thought I could do anything and it didn't matter what I looked like because "look at this beautiful being I have created". Well, today, and for the past week I have slowly started to slip back to my old train of thought. I get that it is going to take time for me to lose weight, and I am ok with that. My issue is that I feel I am being judged because I have a belly that I can't quite hide yet. What makes it worse is when I am out and about without Lucia and fear what people are thinking or even saying when they see me. Yes, it may sound conceded to think that people are talking about me and passing judgement, but let's face it my past relationships with certain people have really tainted my thoughts on what people do when I am out and about.
Another thing that has changed for me is the lack of person to person interactions. I feel trapped in my home. I went from being around people on an every day basis to being in a quiet apartment with a child who, yes I talk to, but has no interaction with me other than crying when something is right with her. I don't get to step away and be around the atmosphere that I am craving to be in. I don't want to step away and be alone on my away time... because I am alone when I am at home. I feel like I have lost a lot of friends in a year. There are times where I am selfishly ok with it, but at the same time it still breaks me heart. I have surrounded myself with others who only cared when it effected them, and now, since I no longer am around them, I found that I have a handful of friends. Unfortunately, the one I miss the most is out of state and the others are either really busy starting a new chapter in their lives with new endeavors whether it being starting back up with school or starting their career path that they had worked so hard for. I am happy for them 110% and want to be by their side during their new exposures, but I selfishly miss them and want them around me to keep me company and let me feel like a person again.
I don't want to feel like I am complaining, but basically I am. It seems like no matter where I am at, I am never happy, I look for new things to work towards so that I can have a sense of happiness. I wish Wisconsin had more to offer around here. Austin and I have discussed Texas again, but it's Texas... filled with ignorant bliss. Maybe it is because I miss Shannon so much, but North Carolina seems much more appealing to me. Either way, I need the change and a year or two down the road seems way to far away. My new endeavors are exciting, but the same old day to day silence is crushing my spirit. Boredom has hit me hard and all I do is sleep all day long and night long. I get plenty of sleep now that she has gotten a little older and adjusted, but I have no urge to do anything else. Sleep is my escape, the dreams that float through my head are my vacation from life and I can't seem to get enough of them. It's depressing and it crushes my soul and creates a monster in me to resent people around me, the people I love and causes me to have extreme envy of the world around me. I don't feel this is actually post-partum depression by any means, but more of feeling lost and stuck because I want to be around people, but they work and when they are home, I sleep and I end up wasting my day in front of the television because it's mind numbing and easy to slip in front of.
I get super excited when Austin comes home because he is my source of entertainment, but we need to have a source of entertainment outside of these walls. We don't need entertainment away from Lucia either, that is not my point. My point is that I feel that I am trapped because there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody to spend time with. I need to get out of my slump and get back out there and create fun, meet new people and hopefully create new friendships that can understand where I come from and understand the type of person that I am. I want to raise my daughter knowing that I was happy through and through and not constantly wanting. She deserves a fun life... we just need to find it.
Suzy: I felt the same way after J.J. was born. The thing that worked for me were "Mommy and Me" classes. At first I thought they were going to be dumb, but I found other woman in the same situations, and it gave me a break. We would talk about what bothered us, and along the way I found a friend with a child the same age and we would go out together with the babies. This was at a time when Dan was home three days a month,and I really needed someone to hang out with, to eat dinner with. It was good because her husband traveled too. And remember you are beautiful. It may be hard for you to believe because we are our worst critic. What people are saying is look at that beautiful woman with that adorable baby. I hope this makes sense. Now I am going to try to send it. I am not computer savvy. One thing great it lets me know that I misspelled a word.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kathy :) it really does mean a lot to me.
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