Dear Self,

I never know how to start these blogs, so I'm just going to dive right in.

Striving for change can be difficult when you don't know what it is that you need to change. I have been struggling with this concept time and time again, and let's face it, I still don't know what it is that I need to do differently. Sure I can make the small "unnoticeable" changes, but it's the bigger changes that I need to be focused on.

I have been trying time after time to get what I would consider a "dream job". In fact, at one point, I got so close that I seriously thought I had it. I tried to stay modest, didn't want to keep my hopes up, but all the talk around me just got me thinking that I was a sure thing. Well, the position became available again. I thought it was perfect timing for me considering my current job was about to get extremely stressful and almost intolerable. This time around I really focused on things that I felt were important for the job description. I made sure to point out the different types of organizations and events that I was a part of...I got nothing. No response what so ever... what was it about me this time around did they not like?

Just today I think I had the answer. My focus shouldn't just be on those types of organizations and events, but I also need to have a better reputation at work and in public. I'm not saying that I am not a team player and that I can't route on my colleagues, but I am saying that I could work on being more open-minded with other's ideas and not discard them because I like mine better. I also need to work on following through. I make a lot of empty promises to myself. (I say this as I shoveling in a bowl of ice cream that I clearly don't need). But I need to stick to a schedule, be more organized and be ok to get the help I need. That's my struggle. I am stubborn when it comes to needing help. I push it away when I should really be embracing it with open arms. That help is the organization that I need in my life. In my other blog, I am writing about organization in my life, but this one is more about discovering my life as it unfolds.

I've been trying to make lists for myself, so that is what I'll do.

1) Accept the help and ask for help
2) Stick to the plan
3) Start paying more attention to others around me, not just those I feel "needs"
4) Work on being more reliable...enough said


Sure those seem like ideas and plans that we should all be sticking to as we stride through life, but in all honestly, these types of morels and values tend to slip away when you become gun-hoe about a passion.

I think my other struggle is that I went to school for something that I am not doing currently. Surprise surprise, I'm like most of America. But seriously, I have an Associates and Bachelor's degree in Graphic Design and most of my other background is in Interior Design. Let's face it, the world isn't open to just those two backgrounds and "expertise". So when I discovered that there was something different out there that not only would make me feel like a better person, but would also help me discover what the community around me as well as other communities have to offer. I just wish there were a way for me to mix this with my schooling and pay decent. I mean, I don't need a whole lot more than what I'm making now, but it would be nice to not have to save for months to get something special for myself or my daughter.

Whoa, this is getting to be too personal. I don't need to divulge in my self pity, I can do that in the privacy of my own room while flipping through magazines on how to better myself.

Ok, I'm done. Hopefully the next post will be derived from the positivity that comes from this post. I guess we'll only see :)

Suzy