Worst kept secret

Good afternoon all,

As most of you may already know, I am working on making bigger improvements on myself. I have a board on Pinterest that is solely for self-awareness and self improvement. At the beginning of the year, I had decided to start Weight Watchers. I was excited. The pounds started melting off of me so quickly and it definitely made it easier for me to except the change and be on board CONSTANTLY. Then one day, BOOM! I hit a wall. I struggled for a whole month without losing a single pound. I decided, enough was enough, I'm not going to continue to pay for weight that I am not losing. So I quit the program after numerous days of hesitation. For about 4 I was able to maintain. I was really proud of that until about 4 weeks ago when I noticed I started to gain. It's depressing. I've been miserable about it. I've started a diet change once again. I know what I need to do, but for some reason, I just can't let go of that fat girl feeling. The want for things that are far from good for me. I feel like it's building and building and building.  I just want the world to stop for a moment so I can catch up to myself.

It's hard being a bigger girl. I have been my whole life. I can't accept where I'm at now, but I can accept that I will never be skinny. I just want to be a more slender version of myself. It's hard to let go of the negativity that surrounds being overweight because not only are you carrying the weight, but it feels like I am carrying a huge sign on me that says "I'm not worthy" or "I'm a bad person, pay no attention". Those are not good feelings to have, obviously, but I just can't let it go. I need that high, I need that victory to lose just 10 pounds. That's all I want. 10 pounds. This year is my year of change. I need this change to make myself a better person, mother, wife, a better me. If I can feel happy about who I am as a whole, I know I am going to be a much better person to be around.

Self, just give me some time and please stop judging me.