January 2014

January 1st, we all ring in the new year with a fresh perspective on ourselves, the ones around us and what we plan on doing with our lives throughout the years. We get organized, colorful and fit. We remove our holiday decor and try to freshen our homes up with our "ordinary" items with a twist here and there. We go through our closets and compile our donation boxes. We are on a high of the new adventures the world holds for us. It all seems so magical and wonderful that sometimes we forget about those who aren't up to hype of a new year. Sometimes, a new year is just a reminder of the ones we miss so dearly.

January is a tough month for a lot of people. It is definitely a tough one for me. It had been a tough one since 1999. Today is especially difficult. It's been 12 years (2002), but I still remember the silence of the classrooms and hallways. I remember the somber faces of our teachers. I remember every argument between friends ending at the drop of a hat. I remember what I wore. I remember how I felt, the confusion, that skeptic feeling, the hatred of myself and the hurt that overwhelmed the whole school. I remember the echo of the intercom beaming through the building with the latest updates. I remember the last one that came through. I remember the flowers, stuffed animals and tissues. I remember  the hugs, the tears, and the prayers. I remember the numbness and I remember not wanting to leave the room. I remember what you looked like that night. I remember writing to you. It seemed bittersweet. Writing as though it were a yearbook, capturing all the wonderful times we had, lessons we learned and some of the tough stuff, knowing that it was it. Never again would I be able to write something like that for you. I remember thinking that it wasn't possible. I remember the "haunting" dreams for weeks to follow. I remember it all. Today is a hard day and I want you to know that I'm sorry for the hiccups, but I'm grateful for the friendship.

It's not just today, but the 17th as well. I don't mean to dwell. It's just hard to move past the day when it always seems so fresh. Rest in Peace to the ones I've loved and lost. Not a day goes by where I'm not reminded of you in some way, shape, or form. As I get through this month, I will remember to start celebrating my new year once again.

Love always,
Me